With the realisation that something is wrong with your child come the thoughts about what you did wrong and why us? Why did we deserve this; we did nothing wrong, or did we? The doubt is there that if we had done something, anything, differently that the Doc would have been okay but I've always known in my heart and soul that we couldn't have given the the Doc any more love and care. There's feckers out there who have NT children every day of the week who couldn't give a f&*k about them and the Doc is a child who was planned, wanted and loved from the begining, so the question still remains, why us?Now, I had never entertained any thoughts that it was anything to do with either P or myself but that changed somewhat on Aug 31st 2009. This was the day that the Prof gave Eoin his label - the diagnosis of ASD came as no surprise to us as he was only confirming what we knew to be true, in fact it almost came as a relief that we finally had a name for our nemesis and that we weren't crazy. Finally we could say to all the people that were telling us not to worry that there was nothing wrong with the Doc, that he would talk in his own good time; well in fact there is something wrong and we weren't just being paranoid parents! but more importantly we knew that with the diagnosis we had a starting point from which to start helping the Doc as best we could.
During the consultation with the Prof he asked both P and myself a few personal questions(wasn't expecting this) and my answers to these started me thinking that maybe the apple didn't fall far from the tree......
During the consultation with the Prof he asked both P and myself a few personal questions(wasn't expecting this) and my answers to these started me thinking that maybe the apple didn't fall far from the tree......
It was only a couple of questions about what we were like as children, what we did in our spare time(whatever that is?) and what we were like socially, but it got me thinking. I had been a quiet child, you could say I was super shy. Don't get me wrong, I hit all my milestones developmentally but I was very awkward socially and tended to enjoy my own company more often than not, I was an avid reader. Even as a teenager I was quiet, I found it difficult to speak with anyone other than family or very close friends. Eye contact was always difficult for me and names an unmitigated disaster zone. I've always struggled in larger groups, at school, college and even now I have to make huge efforts to remember people's names, at lunchtimes I will make mental notes of peoples names as they're being said, I need to repeat this exercise until the names become ingrained....
There have been times in the past when I would find myself begining to shake with nerves even going to the shops! Thankfully most(but not all) of this is behind me(cue laughter from P!), I am much more comfortable in my own skin but am still not the greatest when it comes to change or larger groups of new people - no surprise then that I'm with the same company for the past 16 years....... Poor P has also been convinced for a long time now that I have a hearing problem but with each passing medical my hearing is given a clean bill of health. The reason for this is two fold, firstly I sometimes have a tendency to speak too loud for given situations and secondly I'm always asking her to repeat things or just don't seem to hear things that are being said. Personally I think this is because I'm so caught up with what I've currently got going on in my head(ie Fantasy football, Battlestar Galactica etc) or maybe its that old male gem of selective hearing...... reminds me a little of the Doc, you could call his name till the cows come home and not a budge, say the word "ice cream" and you've got his undivided attention!
I've thought about this for a while and in the end I filed these thoughts away in the dusty filing cabinet at the back of my mind. I suppose it doesn't really matter if this has anything to do with the Doc or if it's me just being hypersensitive. The future is what matters, there's no point in worrying about the past. One piece of solace that I can take from this is that if I have learned to 'manage' my issues(however small) then maybe I will be able to help the Doc in the future as he continues his journey.
8 comments:
hi
brilliant post and a question that comes to us all after the diagnosis of our little ones. i tend to now see autism traits in both our families. my dear husband hates social occasions and though this may seem odd to other people i really dont mind if he wants to stay home and i go out and represent us! i just think not everyone has to be the same. i do socialise our little boy with autism but the truth is he is happiest when playing at home also.!!
Your description of what it is like to finally get a diagnosis is spot on for me, I was just the same, relieved almost and grateful that I had direction. Don't remember The Prof asking me questions about myself but did ask if there had been any loners in either family or anyone a 'bit odd'. I see traits of ASD in everyone now, particularly myself and I too have been wondering about was it something I did. I like the way you say about looking forward, it is so true and so simple when I read it. So that is what I will do, thank you:) Jen.
Hey, I've done the same thing, and I tick almost the exact same boxes, including talking too loudly! I cope with my issues most of the time - even managed to work in PR for 20 years with the social skills of a peanut. So I am sure my son will be fine eventually, and so will yours with such thoughtful parents.
Great blog once again, this same thought struck my other half on our latest visit to the prof, like you a lot of the profs questions seemed to strike a chord, we have concluded that there are traits in both families and we have accepted that, if we didn't come to terms with it well it would drive us mad. It is not a given to have a perfect child and it certainly comes as a shock when we realise all is not what it appears to be, our course in ours and our childrens lives have been changed from the original plan however like you we will endeavour to provide the help and support our children need to reach their full potential in life. x
I loved science when I was in school - my favourite subject was "Old Testement"
boom tish! (Kenneth on 30 Rock)
I am all about the science when it comes to autism and our friend Newton was I believe the first to notice the relationship b/w Apples and Trees.
or Engineers and Autism?? (more than a 1/3 more than any other occupation)
Father in law sits in the conservatory when there are too many people in the house,Nephew diagnosed full on autism 19 years ago and next nephew Aspie.
So I know where you are coming from. And so glad you are not perseverating on blame who what cannot be changed. Look forward, look for the good. Look for what is autie about yourself and forgive it, then forgive the Doc. And celebrate it!
xx
Great post. It's normal to look for causes and answers to your child's autism, but in the end it doesn't really make any difference. I don't mean that in a negative way. It's just that I've come to the conclusion (finally!) that my energies are better spent concentrating on Bob's education and social skills.
OK, so maybe I spent about 18 months trawling the internet and putting myself and my family under a microscope (btw, when you describe yourself, you could be talking about me...I used to think I had a social phobia, now I'm thinking AutieAlert).
Your love for your son is all that matters, and you have that in shedloads.
XXX
i think we can all hold our hand up to funny traits, i posted all mine on face book once, i taught people would think i was a nutter but it got great response lol, was taken aback by how many had similar traits, my hubs has a lot of your ways, groups, shy, bla bla
im actually glad im a little bit odd cause im finding odd is good, safe and easy going, its also enabled me to be very accepting of others who are quirly and our now some of my best friends, i see my sister and her friends, their so condisending, critical, mean and ungratful towards others, sooo glad im odd and not like that
odd and admitingly so are innocent, caring and greatful of what and who they are in my book. give me odd and shy any day xx
it was mentioned at post diagnostic group I was at lately about children with asd having traits from their father's and boy our apple didnt have far to go.routine, hates public places or unwanted attention.
I felt a relieved thst family would stop trying to straighten alan or some how expel the boldness in him.
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